Fake It Till You Make It
And that's a wrap on another day where I acted like I knew what I was doing.
I actually have many of these days. Some days I have the impression that I truly know why I am in recovery and what I have to do to make it work. Other days, well, not so much.
Recovery is just one of those things that I have never been able to really understand. There have been many instances that were (and are) confusing and frustrating. Confusion about thoughts and feelings have been prevalent throughout my recovery. Prevalent in early recovery due to lack of knowledge and awareness. Prevalent in later recovery recovery because I was more aware (maybe too aware) and began to question everything.
I have this overwhelming desire to understand everything. Things just have to make sense to me or I become quite frustrated. I am a smart guy and it is if I am supposed to know everything. If I don't know something it makes me vulnerable. This is something I most certainly do not enjoy.
I have learnt though that I must continue, regardless of knowing what I am doing or not. Thoughts will drive me crazy and I must let them pass. Feelings will come and go and I need only to consider my thoughts to change them. My behavior is based largely on my thoughts so I I pay attention to them, I can regulate how I feel and ultimately make it through another day.
I don't always have to know what I am am doing. I just have to do what I know I can do to get through the day. One day I will wake up happy and content and then I will know that it all worked out. One way or another.
